Music and Poetry

Allegra L Swartz

Never Understand

They tell me to get over it,
They tell me that it’s in the past,
They tell me that time will heal all wounds.

They say that I think too much,
They say I do it to myself,
They want me to let it all go.

But, they’ll never understand,
That for me it isn’t in the past,
It echoes in my mind,
The screams of another time.

And I still see the blood,
When I close my eyes to sleep at night.
These wounds won’t go away,
They forever stay and their with me for the rest of my days.

But, I don’t always blame them,
These wounds have made me who I am,
In many ways I’ve moved on,
But it’s never stopped my racing mind.

Maybe I think a little too much,
But, I’d rather that than not enough.
And you’ll never understand,
I hear your voice at the worst of time

That I’ve screwed up my life,
What I could’ve been in another time.

And I still hear the words, ah,
They let me know just where I stand,
These wounds won’t go away, they forever stay,
And they’re with me for the rest of my days.

Time goes on, Life moves along,
But, I’m still stuck with this rage.
The embers burn slowly within,
Fuel is added to the fire

And it grows and grows and grows until it’s an inferno.
And I’ll never understand,
Why you can’t understand
What you don’t understand.

Maybe I’m better off alone,
These wounds won’t go away
They forever stay,
And they’re with me for the rest of my days.


In Loving Memory

At twenty-five, the world ahead of you,
Out goes the light, in an instant Nothings right,
we can’t make sense of it.
But they’ll say, they will say,

One of the good one’s, gone so young.
He will be missed, there was a spark in him,
Another kid, the world appears so dim.
In loving memory. In loving memory.

My heart dropped, the moment that I heard,
Still right now, I don’t believe a word,
How could it be, the world will never see your smile.

But I’ll say, for awhile,
We burned brighter than the sun, for a moment,
Our bind couldn’t be undone, tied together,
We were all we needed at the time.
In loving memory. In loving memory.

You were kind, you had a heart of gold,
A goofy smile, I couldn’t help but laugh,
You were a light, bringing goodness to the world.

Now I’ll think, to myself, There is so much to regret,
Looking back, There was so much to be said,
Everything, You were everything, to me for a time.
In loving memory. In loving memory.

A great kid, grown up so fast,
A good man, taking care of his own,
Just a guy, living his life,
But I know, yeah I know,

You represent, a time of my life,
My first love, when I’m looking back,
What’s left, is all the memories.
In loving memory. In loving memory.

Yeah I wish, that it wasn’t true,
I can’t believe, it just couldn’t be you,
I need to know, what got you to this place.
Cause I remember, all of it.

You were happy, always a smile on your face.
The only one, to cheer me up when down,
Was it all fake, or did you change.
In loving memory. In loving memory.

I wish I’d said, all the things that I felt,
I wanted to, but what would it help,
I’m not sure, if that was a mistake,
But I’ll say, I have to say,

For a time, you were everything to me,
Throughout life, I’ll look back on memories,
At the end, I hope you knew,
What you meant to me,
In loving memory. In loving memory

I Could Be

As a young girl, I imagined my life
In a way that was different from reality. 
I would think of the things that I wanted 
And imagine these ideas coming to life. 

As I grew up, I pictured my past and created,
I created my very own story in my mind
I would think of the things I had done.
And see myself, in a new light.

I’d been caught in a tower, and fought my own dragons. 
I’ve carried a sword into battle. Under attack, I proved myself a hero. 
A warrior, a savior, someone to be admired. 
Now I wonder, Is this my story, my legacy?
How is it that you see me, In your mind….

I could be the villain, I could be the captor, I could be the enemy. 
At times, I’d think of my life and watch as my story altered. 
No longer the victor, but instead the wounded soldier. 
I’d think of everything that I’d endured, And feel as though I’d earned it.

I’d been pushed around, taken advantage of
But I’d suffered through it, pushing back against my oppressor.
A victim, a survivor, someone to feel lucky.

Now I wonder, Is this my story, my history?
How is it that you see me, In your mind…
I could be the prisoner, I could be the guilty, I could be the offender

And I think to myself, What is it that I want?
So again I must question, evaluate, and analyze everything. 
Is this who I want to be, Is it how I’ll be remembered.
Will they even bother to remember me at all.

I picture the story I want to tell,
I think of the feelings I wish to evoke. 
And I write the story of my life. 
This could be how things go.

I will fight my demons, I’ll push for what I want.
In spite of everything, I’ll become who I’m meant to be.
A fighter. A teacher. Someone who inspires.

Now I wonder, Will this be my story?
How is it that they’ll see me. In their minds. 
I could be the hero. I could be the villain. Does it even matter? 
Does it even matter? Does it even matter

I know who I am. I know my own story.
I’ve felt my successes and I carry my shame.
When I look in the mirror, I see who stands before me.

I know what she’s accomplished, I see every scar. 
I know what she’s been through, I see where she’s going. 
A fighter. A teacher. Someone who inspires me.
And that’s all that matters. That’s all that matters.

Eyes Wide Open

I put my arm out and I keep you there,
Far enough away from me, as close as I can bear.

Can’t let you get close to me,
Can’t let you break my heart free,
Can’t let you get to know me,
What if you don’t like what you see?

Over time, I’ve learned my lessons,
Watch your back, Don’t hold your breath,
Expect the worst, and Keep your eyes wide open.

No one’s gonna stab me in the back,
I’ve been living with my eyes wide open,
On alert, Prepared for an attack.

I hide my heart, I hide my mind,
Behind these eyes, my spirit cries,
Why won’t you let them in?
Why won’t you let me out?

Drown out my voice, Lock down my heart,
These walls I’ve built, Begin to shake,
Threaten to tear themselves apart.

The need to connect, and longing,
To let you in completely,
But to bond with you, I’d have to let these walls fall.

Can’t let you get close to me,
Can’t let you break my heart free,
Can’t let you get to know me,
What if you don’t like what you see?

Over time, I’ve learned my lessons,
Watch your back, Don’t hold your breath,
Expect the worst, and Keep your eyes wide open.

No one’s gonna stab me in the back,
I’ve been living with my eyes wide open,
On alert, Prepared for an attack.

All the time, This anxiety wears me down,
It’s hard to live, It’s hard to love,
With this fear that surrounds,
Endless worry, Always holding my breath.

I need to breathe again, Need to close my eyes
Learn to let it all go,
Time to shut down the alarms,
Throw these lessons out the window.

I’ll let you get close to me,
I’ll even let my heart free,
It’s time you get to know me,
Cause maybe you might like what you see.

Over time, I’ll learn new lessons,
Close my eyes, and allow myself to breathe,
Brick by brick these walls will fall down,
And maybe you might like what you see.

It’s time to shut off my alarms,
It’s time to unlearn all these wrongs,
No longer living with my eyes wide open,
I’ll let these walls come crashing down.

You can get close to me, My heart is finally set free,
It’s time you get to know me,
I think that you might like what you see.

This Is Me

I’ve heard it all before,
These lies I can’t take anymore
It’s time that I come clean,
Show the world that I’m not what I seem.

No longer will I hide,
I am the only one that I’ll abide.
And I may fail your test,
But, I owe myself the very best

I don’t belong to you
Though the past has made that thought ring true.
My mind was always mine,
Though I tried to pretend I was fine.

I can no longer be the one I’ve been,
I’ve found myself and become my friend.
I’m letting go of who you knew,
Changing til I see her through

I hope you understand and see
That this is who I was meant to be
Know this may come as a surprise
But, you never listened to my cries.

I’m breaking out of my box
And I know deep down you think I’m lost.
but, I am being true to me
It’s time the real me you must see.

I’ve tried to show you times before,
But, my screams had always gone ignored.
Staring into the dark I cried
Throughout the day took things in stride.

Hiding on the closet floor,
I always knew that I wanted more.
Know it’s not your fault you see,
Took me forever to accept me.

I can no longer be the one I’ve been,
I’ve found myself and become my friend
I’m letting go of who you knew,
Changing til I see her through

I hope you understand and see
That this is who I was meant to be.
Know this may come as a surprise,
But, you never listened to my cries.

How can I prove that this is my will,
When I know the old me you love still.
My eyes are open at this time,
I have to grasp this life that’s mine.

I tried to tell you time and time again,
That I never fit into your bin.
The label is wrong and the lid is not tight,
It’s my chance, I’m breaking out tonight.

I’ve taken flight and I won’t look back,
I see the light shining through the cracks.
Stepping out to embrace the warmth,
I’ve weathered far too many storms.

I can no longer be the one I’ve been,
I’ve found myself and become my friend.
I’m letting go of who you knew,
Changing til I see her through.

I hope you understand and see
That this is who I was meant to be.
Know this may come as a surprise,
But, you never listened to my cries.

Prepared to say goodbye if I must,
Fulfilling your dreams has been a bust.
I’ve moved on to my own you see,
This was always who I was meant to be.

Owning It

I’m going through the motions.
Keeping the peace, embracing the silence.
Always too afraid to speak.

All this pain that’s inside me,
threatens to tear it’s way out.
but, once spoken, havoc will follow.
And my world may come crashing down.

Childhood trauma, deceit, and neglect.
Still not enough to silence this voice inside.
And that’s why I’m choosing to own it.
I will speak my truth, I will not stay silent.

The world can no longer keep me down.
I’m owning who I am.
I’m owning where I came from.
Owning up to my mistakes, admitting all my wrongs.

No longer going through the motions,
I’m telling how I feel.
And if you don’t like it, that’s too damn bad.
It’s so far past the time to let it out.

Let me apologize now, for what I may say later.
But, the voice inside is begging to be freed.
My heart is bursting at the seams, with the tears I never cried.
My mind is overwhelmed with all the memories.

And that’s why I’m choosing to own it.
I will speak my truth, I will not stay silent.

The world can no longer keep me down.
I’m owning who I am.
I’m owning where I came from.
Owning up to my mistakes, Admitting all my wrongs.

And now I’m living my life,
Without fear of looking back, I can’t protect you anymore.
I have to shed these worries, Overcome all of these fears.
It’s time that I look out for me.

Know I love you still,
I’m not angry anymore.
Put these memories in the past.
It’s time we live for more.

Making room within my heart.
Storing all these memories within the past.
And now I am choosing to own it.
I will speak my truth, I will not stay silent.

The world can no longer keep me down.
I’m owning who I am.
I’m owning where I came from.
Owning up to my mistakes, Admitting all my wrongs.

Speaking out how I will move on.
Let me apologize now, for what I may say later.
Bring things to light, will help me leave them in the past.
Know that I love you still, but now I love me too.

%d bloggers like this: